Contentment

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength."  (Philippians 4:11-13)

I love this message from Paul.  These verses really hit me this last week because of the changes presently going on in our life.  It gave me a new perspective on our move.  The stress and anxiety relating to leaving our first home that we have invested our lives in and moving to a basement bedroom has really vanished.  I am truly excited about this new life adventure. God has been leading us in this whole process.  He brought the perfect renters to our lives and created the perfect timing for us to move.  He even provided a place for us to move to in our new home and that was something that was creating a lot of stress and worry.  We have never felt God's hands in our lives more than now.  It's so strong that we feel we haven't even had a choice.  Things just keep happening and we just have to follow along with it.  God has been our provider through it all.  Then He gave me this verse to give us something we had been lacking, contentment.  Paul said whatever the circumstances, he learned to be content.  This wasn't something that happened to him.  He took an active role in the perspective of his life.  He chose to be content regardless of his life situation.  God knew that this was exactly what I needed to hear during this time.  It has given me peace to let go of our home because I will have contentment in our new home, regardless of the circumstance.  This also extends passed our present circumstances.  Regardless of what happens in the future, I have a new perspective on contentment.  Only I have the power to be content.  Just as only I have the power to be happy.  Nothing can take that away or cause it to happen and if something does "cause" me to be happy it is only temporary, it is only a superficial cause that will fade.  However, I can chose to be content and have joy no matter where we are living, the size of home we are living in, how our finances are doing, and what we are eating for dinner.  These things do not matter because I can do everything through Him who gives me strength, including changing my attitude on life. 

Lightening Up

"Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife." Proverbs 25:24

Okay, I have to admit, I'm a quarrelsome wife. In my heart of hearts, I really don't want to be, but I am and I am also thankful that my husband still loves me dearly and still resides inside our home and not on our roof. He accepts me for who I am and he knows that I continually try to grow in this area. As I've been reading through Proverbs, which I have done many times before, this has been laid on my heart, to end the nit-picky bickering.

The problem lies with the fact that I take words very seriously. A little too seriously. I'm extremely literal. My mom likes to tell me a story of when I was little and I asked her, "do people really climb the walls?" Someone had used the expression around me and I just didn't get it. Mind you I was probably seven at the time, but my sense of literalness hasn't really lessened much over the years. I DO NOT understand sarcasm. I can't pick up on whether they are serious or not. The words are serious, but was that a tone of sarcasm? Maybe it's because I'm mostly deaf in one ear. Not sure, but whenever someone cracks a joke with heavy words I always have to look to Josh for translation. He usually gives me a head nod of yes honey, they are joking. Then I laugh. If Josh isn't there to clue me in, then I get pretty uncomfortable and it has actually led to self-esteem issues. Okay, so I've gone a little off path. The point is I have really been trying to "listen." Not to the words, but the meaning and intent behind the words. There's a Proverbs for that too. That means I have to slow down and take the time for the words to sink in and then make my response. I need to make a new rule for myself, wait at least 5 seconds before making a response. I might just try that and see what happens! Five seconds might not seem long enough, but I don't want my hubby to think I'm ignoring him. That wouldn't be nice either.

Waiting on the Lord

I've recently been listening a lot to a song called While I'm Waiting by John Waller. This song totally sums up my life right now. The beginning of this year my resolution was to give up control of my life to God. I've always been the one to take the lead and then I ask God to bless my path. God was really speaking to my heart and telling me that I needed to start doing things the other way around. It hasn't been easy for me because I'm not used to waiting on the Lord or anyone else for that matter. Some amazing things have happened since I've put God first in my life though. For starters, I heard His voice for the first time. Maybe because I was actually listening. I also now have to ask for direction because I really don't know what's ahead.

The hardest part about God's timing though is the waiting. Pretty much since Carson was born, I've had constant baby fever because I discovered how amazing children are. Josh and I had a plan of course, per usual, to wait until Carson was 12 months before trying again and since it was our plan, we would of course get pregnant that month or very soon after. Because of infertility problems, we got to really plan for Carson. I needed the help of our acupuncturist to set my hormones right before trying. So when we were ready I leveled all my wonderful hormones out and got pregnant with Carson during our first month of trying. After that experience, I had the frame of mind that our next child wouldn't be any different.

Once Carson turned a year, we decided to just see what happened in the hopes that it might actually take a few months to get pregnant since we weren't as ready as we thought we'd be. This was right before I told God I would let him lead. So here we are in the month of March and I'm panicking because "my" life plan is not happening. I always planned that my children would be perfectly 2 years apart. That would mean I had to get pregnant last month. I have peace about it, but some days I want to do things my way, but then I hear the Lord's voice say "no, it's not time yet, wait on me." I'm excited because God's ways are ALWAYS better than ours and sometimes I feel like a giddy little girl thinking oh my goodness, this is going to be so great, God has something in store for me! Other days I want to just tell God, okay I'm ready already! Hurry up, clocks ticking! I wish I had some scripture memorized to encourage me, but I'm working on that. One thing at a time. Right now I'm just trying to learn some patience.

Noah Steven Graves

Life with Carson is crazy beautiful! I could stare at my child all day long. He makes me laugh more than I ever thought possible and sometimes I feel like my chest can't contain my swelling heart from my love for him. But as of late I have been transformed as a parent. Lately, the emotion has been thankfulness and gratitude that he is in my life and God has blessed us with a healthy child. I have been reading a blog about two parent's journey of losing their little boy from a disease that was treatable and had the doctors not gotten caught up in pursuits of grandeur, he probably would have been saved. They were looking for a rare genetic or metabolic disorder and missed the easily diagnosable Lyme's Disease even though it was staring them in the face. So after a 5 1/2 month battle to save their little boy they eventually had to make the extremely difficult decision to take him off life support. His name was Noah Steven Graves and he has changed my life! The Graves' faith during the time of their son's illness has been truly inspirational. I have sat at the computer each evening for the last week or so reading their blog and just weeping with each post. Their faith never waivered and Noah's parents even had the strength to spiritually encourage others during that time! How crazy is that?! It made me feel so guilty about how I reacted to Carson's birth and hospital stay. People would say to me, well at least you have a healthy baby. I would smile and nod but really on the inside I was mad. I was mad about the fact that had the midwife done her job we wouldn't be at the hospital, but snuggling at home where we're supposed to be. I was mad because we had previously lost our first child during my eighth week of pregnancy. Even though Carson only stayed at the hospital for a week and came home completely healthy, our faith waivered and we certainly thought of no one else during that time and instead we should have been on our knees thanking God that Carson was still with us and not the preemie fighting for his life next to us in that hospital room. That despite the odds against him he was born "safely." It was a miracle that he did as well as he did and yet I was angry at God for allowing the situation to happen in the first place. Hadn't we suffered enough with the miscarriage? Yes, I needed to feel my anger to move on, but I shouldn't have been so closed off to God's part in everything.

The hardest part about reading Noah's blog is that with each downturn I read about, I have the biggest desire to get on my knees for him. I haven't been on my knees in front of the Lord in a long time and the fact that he is already with our Heavenly Father grieves me, but it has also allowed me to get on my knees for others and for my very own son. After the first night of reading the blog, I went in to where Carson was sleeping, snuggled up to him, and prayed over him and asked for forgiveness for not doing it sooner and more often. I should be doing that every night! I know that God used Noah's life to touch others but as I read the blog, I do struggle with a little anger towards God for allowing this family to suffer so much! It's hard enough losing your child but to something that was treatable! I just feel like it was cruel. But maybe that's why his story is so life changing. This blog has been an emotional journey, a very tough emotional journey, but one that has awakened me spiritually and I hope that doesn't fade. Each time I think of Noah, I want to go out and make a difference. I have a drive to do more and be more for God and to further His Kingdom. It has really put things into perspective. Noah's mother Adrienne eloquently wrote that if her son had survived he would not have touched so many lives. If God had healed him, people would have been in awe of the miracle but only for a short time. Eventually, people would have forgotten. As difficult as her words are they are very true, I will never forget Noah Steven Graves and I never even knew him. His death reminded me that this is not our true home.

If you can handle the emotion, I highly suggest reading Noah's blog: http://noahsteven.blogspot.com/