It's amazing how once a mother those abilities and emotions that come with motherhood never fade.  Even when attacked by a disease like Alzheimer's. On Mother's Day I walked into our Grandma Ella's room to give her a hug and discovered that her daughter was visiting.  I had no idea she was going to be here for Mother's Day.  At first, I felt excitement because I was so happy that she had her daughter's companionship on that day, but as I looked closer Ella's daughter had her face burrowed into her mother's lap and her moving shoulders were giving away what she was trying to hide, the fact that she was sobbing relentlessly.  Recently she lost her two only brothers, Grandma's two boys.  One expected and a week later, one unexpected.   She came to be comforted by her mother.  Which also brings forth the pain of no longer having her same mother to be comforted by.  At least on the outside.  This is a mother who can no longer speak more than a few sensible words and who constantly has her toes pointed in the air.  A far cry from the spirited and vibrant women she once knew.  Grandma Ella is suffering from Alzheimer's.  Her's was a fast and severe deterioration.  You would think there was nothing left of that same woman, but as I looked at Grandma Ella's face,  seeing her red-rimmed eyes brimming with tears spoke a different story.  She made eye contact as slowly a tear slid down her face and gave me a look that painfully asked why?  Unable to tell her, I started crying as well.  My heart breaking for the woman trapped inside her own body, suffering the pain of her daughter as if it was her own even though she was unaware of the why.  Comforting her daughter the only way she can, silently patting her shoulder with tears streaming down her aged face.  Now that I am a mother, I understand that deep desire to take on our child's suffering.  How each time my child is hurting,  I wish I could suffer instead and the inability to do so only brings on a new form of pain.  This perspective has given me more empathy toward what God goes through on a daily basis. That is what showed on sweet Grandma Ella's face.  We are keeping her sons' deaths a secret.  We don't want to force her to endure a pain she would have to silently bear.  She may have holes in her brain, but she is still there, no holes in her heart.   Still the loving mother with a deep passionate heart for her children.

Taking Life by the Horns

Josh and I have made the recent discovery that we have been letting ourselves be the victims of our own lives.  With each new responsibility and stress that has come along, we have added it to the already long list of burdens presently resting on our shoulders.  It has been making us feel more and more weak until finally we felt like depression was setting in.  We both thought how can we handle this?  I was becoming short tempered, the house was miserable because of it.  Thankfully at church this last Sunday our Pastor said exactly what we needed to hear.  It wasn't even the sermon subject.  He briefly mentioned that we can overcome.  This simple statement changed everything.  It woke me up to the reality that even though stressful events have been thrust upon us, it doesn't have to be stressful.  It's all in our perspective of the situation and our attitude regarding the circumstance.   Once this hit home,  my shoulders started rising and I felt 5 inches taller.  I can overcome this season!  I can overcome my attitude, exhaustion, depression,  and sleepless nights.  This was exactly what we needed to hear to get over ourselves!

So we are now taking life by the horns and ramming it into submission ;).   A new challenge, ok, bring it! We'll show you how gracefully we can overcome.

Mother's Day Thoughts.

As I kissed Josh's Grandma Ella to sleep last night it reminded me of when I received my first Mother's Day card.  I was pregnant with Carson at the time and still mourning the loss of our first pregnancy.  Despite the fact that our dear Grandma Ella was in the throws of early dementia, she mailed me a Mother's Day card.  I remember just weeping after opening the envelope.  The fact that she was capable of mailing me anything was amazing.  She lost two babies early on and earlier that year we shed tears of pain over breakfast as we mourned the loss of our unknown children.  It touched me that she thought about me on that Mother's Day,  one she knew I would need support for.   She was the only one who sent me a card that year.  I still take that card out and look at it once in a while. To me, that card is a reminder of how great a gift motherhood is.  It is a road of pain, endurance, and great blessings.    

When Josh and I were newly married we of course were constantly asked when we were going to start having children.  Our answer was a few years from now.  My response was "I want to be 23 first,  that seems like a good age to have a baby, I want to be prepared."  Their response was always, prepared?  Ha, you can never be prepared.  Josh and I just scoffed.  We would be prepared!  You wait and see.  Well we did our best, we waited until I was 23 (that magical number I had in my head when I was no longer too young but young enough to have energy for the journey ahead) but they were right, we weren't prepared.  Not for the emotional, financial, and physical challenges but most of all we were not prepared for the great love we would receive.  I have never felt something so strong in my life.  I spent the first few months craning my neck to stare at Carson.  I couldn't believe that something so wonderful was possible!

I am still in awe that I am a mother.  We were unsure if a successful pregnancy would ever be possible for me and after surviving his birth he is now our official miracle.  Right after he was born, I held his little foot and immediately started praying as he was turning blue and then white, thinking I might loose him right there and then.  According to the clock it didn't take him long to start taking in breaths, but to me it felt like an eternity.  God was with us that day and I could feel his presence.  That's also probably why to this day when I am snuggling my little blessing, I hold one of his feet in my hand and sometimes press it on my cheek after he falls asleep. 

Now that Carson is getting older, although still very young, I am feeling even more blessed this Mother's Day.  Probably because now he can reciprocate with hugs and kisses.  Carson hugging me is one of the best feelings in the world.  I have been known to squeal when he squeezes me with all his might!   I don't think our lives could get any better. 



Thank you Lord that I get to celebrate this Mother's Day as a momma of an amazing little boy that you gave to us.  Thank you for giving me more joy than I can comprehend.  Thank you for the blessing of being able to  guide, love, comfort, and encourage our little one and thank you for the Mother who did the same for me.  Plus a special thank you to a Grandmother who has been a maternal influence and that while still here, we deeply miss.

Happy Mother's Day to all you mamas and mamas to be!  Love you all.  
 

Happy dissapointment?

I took a pregnancy test last night and it was...negative :(. The exciting news is that the hubby was disappointed.  It probably doesn't sound exciting, but to me it was!  It let me know that he is ready for another blessing and that's exciting.  I'd much rather wait and have him share in the joy!  He would have been excited either way.  A new life is always exciting, but now he gets to share in my anticipation.  I'm looking forward to that.  All it took was one little test.  I'd taken them before, but this time it was different.  He tried to sound upbeat for me (he knows that I get disappointed) but I could detect a change in his voice.  Then he actually opened up to me that the idea of another baby is pretty neat.   

After Carson's difficult pregnancy and birth, he has been timid about taking the plunge again.  For me, I had mommy amnesia almost immediately and was ready for #2 before we had the go ahead to be intimate again.  What morning sickness!?  I was hospitalized because of that twice, really!?  Hmm...it wasn't so bad was it?  Josh used to just give me the "are you crazy" look.  For moms, once you hold that sweet little life in your arms, it makes every little struggle worth it.   I'm sure it's much different for the husbands. Josh was the one watching me throw up all over myself constantly at home and in public.  I'll never forget Josh trying to hold me upright as I held a sack to my face in front of Home Depot.  The urge would happen so fast! I kept little sacks in my purse just for those occasions. Then there was the passing out cold in our driveway during a yard sale.  Yup, that was embarrassing, but I was caught and brought to the ground "gently" (I had bruises), no harm done though.  I woke up to my hubby's panicked face.  So sad. Then the PUPPPS.  That was probably the worst.  The last two months I spent my nights crying in the bathroom because I itched so bad.  At 2am Josh would sweetly prepare me an oatmeal bath before crawling back in bed.  Can't forget the insomnia either.  Don't know what caused that, but I couldn't sleep for the majority of my pregnancy.  I would get so bored in the middle of the night from laying there wide awake that I would start waking Josh up to talk. I would hit him and then wait a second and ask if he was awake.  So terrible! (I don't think he knew I did that..hehehe) Instead of responding to my attempt at a conversation, he would roll over and sweetly play with my hair and massage my back until I finally drifted off.  I'm giggling as I type this.  It's funny now.  No wonder he was reluctant to have another!  All these little experiences really showed me how deeply I am loved by my husband. Then the birth...that's not really funny.  We have our blessing and it was an insane learning experience.  It's called learning the hard way, but it does make me excited for the next one because I know sooooo much more now. Although from Josh's perspective, he had to watch his wife suffer.  I can see why he wasn't ready to go through that again.  Time heals all though and now that Carson's favorite thing to do is play firetrucks with Daddy, his amnesia is kicking in as well.

Simplicity

This is something that has been on our hearts a lot lately.  God has really been changing us and giving us a spirit of contentment. As we lease our own little home and move into the adult family home, we will be simplifying quite a bit.  For awhile we will only have one bedroom. As I have been packing, I have found lots of little treasures I'd forgotten about in our basement and although they held sentimental value at one time, the need to de-clutter is more important than keeping wall hangings that were in my bedroom when I was three years old just for the heck of it.  It feels good to be simplyfing.

I also have been simplifying my wardrobe.  Cute plain t-shirts are more important to me than the latest style.  I got rid of half my wardrobe this morning.  I'm tired of all of my shirts requiring undershirts.  It is such a pain.  I now have to not only get Carson and I up every morning, but two elderly ladies as well.   Fashion has taken a back seat and it feels good.  Not that I've turned into a frump, but I've taken on the mom style with open arms.  Wish I would have done it sooner!  Having less in my closet is actually a relief. 

As we start planning out our move to the new house, we have discussed what rooms need updating, we are both realizing that nothing really needs to be done.  It's all a want.  Yes, it would be nice not to see pink floors, walls, counter tops, and a tub when you walk into the main bathroom, but it's functional and clean so it will stay awhile.   We can live with the 70s avocado green kitchen with the puke color floor as well. This home is dated, but it has been taken care of very well. Having a stylish home isn't important to us anymore. If it's functional, it stays. Having a child has completely put things into perspective for us.  In time we will make the house our own, but not until after we pay off debt, contribute and save.  We are looking forward to a simple life.

Meal Planning

Ah...it feels so good to have food in the house!  Went grocery shopping today and filled the fridge.  It was a little stressful because of the insane wind going on today.  My mother-in-law came with and she bought Carson an adorable lady bug balloon which I thought I had properly secured in the car but shortly after I "secured" it in the car, it got attacked by the wind and flew off so fast there was no hope of catching it.  I actually watched it go over buildings and it had a small weight attached to it.  I'm really hoping it didn't hit anything or head to the freeway and obstruct traffic.

In the last couple weeks I have changed my routine quite a bit.  I now sit down every Sunday and create a menu plan for the week and write up a grocery list of everything we need including snacks.  It takes about an hour to plan it out.  Then Monday morning I head to the grocery store for all my supplies.  It has almost completely cut fast-food out of our lives.  I also started cooking more crock-pot meals.  This week will actually consist of all crock-pot meals. 

One of my wonderful sisters inspired me to start doing this.  I went and picked up a slow-cooker recipe book and immediately fell in love with over half the recipes!  It contains 400.  I used to only have a few crock-pot meals in my repertoire so now variety won't be an issue at all.  We'll still get to eat tasty, diverse foods.   It solves the dilemma of running out of energy close to dinner time.  I've already had a long day by then and what's nice is that dinner will already be done and waiting for me.  Sweetness!  Plus the recipes make so much food that we can eat the leftovers all weekend or freeze the extras. 

It will also be nice for when we are officially moved into the Adult Family Home because then I can just get most of the cooking out of the way first thing in the morning.  Pretty soon I will no longer be cooking dinner for just my little family, I have to add four more people into the mix.  Which I'm looking forward to!  I love cooking for others.  Not sure if our elderly residents will enjoy my cooking but hey, we'll give it a shot.  There is no way I want to cook two separate dinners.  That job is already exhausting as it is.   I'm pretty sure most of my meals are denture friendly as well.   I've learned that dentures are something you take into consideration when making dinner for the elderly.  I was heating up tomato soup for their dinner once and I thought plain tomato soup is so boring so I'll spice it up a bit and saute some mushrooms and onions and garlic and add it to the soup.  They scarfed the soup, but as I was picking up the plates I noticed that all the mushrooms had been meticulously spit out on their plates into neat little piles.  Yummy!  I now put more thought into what they can and can't eat. 

Tonight we are having Tangy Chicken and New Potatoes with homemade bread.  Can't wait!!!!  T-minus 59 mins...

A Restful Night

Carson slept really well last night!  He only woke up twice and they were for a very short time.  He barely nursed.  There was no tossing and turning and screaming in his sleep.  It was so nice.  I decided to just be grateful for the sleep we so desperately needed.  Not sure if it will happen again and because I do not want to be disappointed, I'm not expecting last night to be the end of our sleepless nights.  I hope it happens again, but I'm not going to get emotional if tonight is another one of our usual nights. 

Despite getting rest last night, I was pretty emotional today.  We will be officially from our home June 1st-ish.  It really hit me today how soon that is.  I love my home.  I know eventually our new home will be just as great but it will take a few years.  We put so much work into our present home to make it the refuge that it is and the idea of starting all over again is hard to swallow.  Although, once we do eventually fix it up to be "us,"  it will be a much nicer space so we have that to look forward to. 

I just hate letting go of things that I've loved.  This has been our first home and will always have a special place in my heart.  I'm not sure yet if moving two blocks away is a positive or negative aspect.  We'll get to drive by it often, but then if it is not kept up to our standards, then we'll have to see that often as well. 

We are probably going to rent it out for awhile so I guess I don't have to say my final good-byes just yet.