Another Heartbreaking Loss

I'm sitting here still in absolute shock.  Probably a shell of who I normally am.  Today I am no longer pregnant, my womb is empty and I feel that in the deepest part of my soul.  It's still hard to process.   During our scare Wednesday, Josh and I were praying and asking others to pray for a miracle for this baby.  We really felt this baby was meant to be here and had no doubt that God would indeed answer our prayers.  Wednesday, when we saw the baby's heart beat and the bleeding and cramping stopped, we thought we had received our miracle.  What I was experiencing seemed like a very minor complication.  Thursday morning I started spotting again.  It was light but concerned me so I called my OB and was told that there really isn't anything to worry about and that I may continue to spot for a few more days but then it should stop and call if it didn't.  The baby looked great on the ultrasound, don't worry about the baby, the baby is fine I was told.  Yet Friday afternoon,without much warning, I was holding our baby in my hand.  Then the physical pain hit which seemed backwards.  That's another tortuous thing about miscarriage.  It HURTS.  To me each miscarriage has felt like the equivalent to going through transition and it's almost worse  because there is no joyous ending to look forward to.  Today I am left with confusion because despite the correct levels of hormones, a seemingly healthy child, and a minor complication that was behind us, my body decided to shed the lining of my uterus which inevitably included our child.  Our first miscarriage was easier in the sense that the baby failed to thrive and passed away causing the miscarriage.  With this one, the baby was fine, yet my body miscarried it anyway.  Today I am just angry.  I want to throw my self on the ground like a toddler screaming this isn't fair!  Of course thoughts have gone through my mind of was it something I did?  I woke up this morning convinced it was the trans vaginal ultrasound because after the tech rammed my cervix with the equipment to get a good shot and not just once, I had a different form of cramping start which finally escalated on Friday.  But many pregnancies have survived such a thing and it probably just exacerbated what was already going on.  It's still hard not to wonder though.

Although I'm in shock and confused, I do have peace.  Carson had prophesied this baby.  Many times he lifted up my shirt, placed his chubby hand on my belly and said "baby."   That's why I took a test in the first place and was shocked to find it was positive.  Then when we went up front after church to ask for prayer and blessings for the pregnancy, the woman praying for me told me that she had absolute peace about this child and really felt it would be just fine.  I guess by God's standards this baby is just fine.  It's now in the perfect location, Heaven.  It's hard to be upset about that.

Josh was given great peace too and that has been really comforting.  His positiveness, yet perfect sympathy has been a great comfort.  We're being open about the fact that I need to grieve.  I'm a bottler.  It took me a year to cry about my Uncle's death and it's probably no coincidence that I started having panic attacks during that same time.  I'm going to let it hurt this time so that I can fully heal.   Carson has been a great comfort as well.  Knowing that I have a precious little child here with me makes this second miscarriage much easier to bear.  I'm hoping that eventually I'll have more babies here than in Heaven though.

Since having Carson, my hormone levels have gotten worse.  I even struggled with low estrogen which was very strange for me.  There are a lot of mysteries to figure out as far as my health is concerned and some we may never get figured out. It also seems to be centered around my very low temperature average of 95.9.  Supposedly, I can't even get pregnant with that low of a temp but we have been blessed with three pregnancies so we know that's not an issue.  Josh and I decided not to try again until I have a healthy temp of 98.6.  There will be some major life style changes going on to try and accomplish that including regular exercise (which will also be a great way to channel my present anger) and I am going to continue on with the massive diet change I made when I first found out I was pregnant. Plus I'll be going back to my naturopath to delve deeper into some possible hidden health concerns.  I was really excited to start posting topics about my journey with this pregnancy...choosing a new OB or midwife, birth plans, nutrition, interventions...etc.  Now I'm going to be posting about my journey to health and then hopefully about a successful pregnancy.  I would love it if my journey also helped to heal and inspire others.  

April 19th

The date above is our due date for our next little addition to our family.  We were trying to keep this pregnancy quiet for awhile.  After our miscarriage with our first, the excitement of announcing our pregnancy with Carson was a little dimmed.  Family and friends were thrilled but there was definitely anxiety in the air and we could feel the worry of others as to whether his pregnancy was going to be successful.  We decided we didn't want any negativity around us at this time, even if it was subconscious, so we have kept it quiet for 3 weeks.  It makes me laugh to think about now.  We were faced with complications yesterday.  At only 6 weeks, I thought I was having a miscarriage.  I rushed to the ER to see if the baby was still okay.  They got me in for an ultrasound and we got to see our itty bitty peanut with a healthy beating heart.  It was a huge relief.  The reason for the complication was a tear behind the placenta which was causing my massive pain and bleeding.  Hopefully it will heal on it's own, but as I've heard many times over the last couple days, I'm not out of the woods yet.  We are staying positive and continuing to pray.

This complication forced us to break our news earlier and in a less exciting way than we were planning.  It made me laugh because pretty much everyone around me already knew.  I'm not sure why we thought we could hide it.  The first sign of trouble and we wanted everyone's prayer and support.  We probably would have just been better off telling everyone right form the get go.  I'm not sure how some women can hide the pregnancy through their first trimester.  I already have a "pooch" as I've been told.  Plus the fact that I've been tired and spacey was a dead give away.

So now I am sharing the news with the rest of you!  We are unbelievably excited.  Josh made the comment yesterday while we were waiting to be seen of "at least you're not here because you're throwing up."  (I had hyperemesis with Carson).  I looked at him and said "I'm pretty sure I'd rather be throwing up."  Yesterday was stressful and we're not passed the stress yet, but I am grateful that I can hold down food this time around.  I am bummed that I presently can't pick up Carson, but he seems to be doing okay with that.  Every time he wants to be held I encourage him to sit on the couch with me which he usually does excitedly.

I'm thankful for my family and friends and their emotional support.  We are very blessed!  I'm sure that by the power of God this hiccup will be behind us in no time and before we know it we will be holding our new little bundle of joy.

Carson's Life

Today it hit me how different of a life Carson is going to have living in an Adult Family Home.  This isn't our permanent solution, but we'll be here for at least a couple of years.  Plenty of time to influence his upbringing and create memories here that he will actually remember.  This morning he shared breakfast with a 90-year old Japanese woman.  Plain old cheerios but they smiled at each other while they ate and they had somewhat of a conversation with Carson's baby gibberish.  It melted my heart and made me question, how many other toddlers are doing this?  Probably a few, but not many.  I know that it will make his life so much more rich having empathy early on for our elderly.  Maybe that's why Josh has such a tender heart for the frail as well, because it started so young?  Besides panicking over dropped pills Carson might pick up and eat (I have become religious about sweeping and vacuuming) there really is no negative to this situation.  Josh and I both get to parent Carson.  That's another thing most toddlers don't get, both parents.  While I still do the majority of the "mothering" such as providing comfort, Daddy is here to go rough house and play outside with the water hose.  It makes me unbelievably happy that we have a way to not only support ourselves but be stay-at-home parents. It's not easy by any means, but well worth it.

Carson also has other sources of attention.  When he gets bored with us, he goes into the living room and hams it up for the grandmas and grandpas.  Thankfully everyone here loves children.  It seems to be good for the young and old alike to be together.   One of the grannies here, Josh's actual Grandma, can get a little unsteady but she also likes to wander.  Well whenever she starts to walk, we walk with her a ways before sitting her back down.  Josh and I were busy and I just here "mommy, mommy, mommy"  over and over in a very loud and anxious voice.  There Carson was standing in front of Grandma Allen pointing up at her slightly bouncing up and down.  He had positioned himself in a way so that she was unable continue walking.  He was alerting us that she was up and needed assistance.  It really amazed me.  When he helps me put the ladies to bed at night, he grabs gloves from the drawer and puts them on as we walk to their room just like mommy.  I couldn't have a better little helper.

I hope as time goes on he continues to see this living situation as an adventure like he seems to do now. 

Let Boys be Boys

As I was putting Carson to bed last night, a neighbor started up their lawn mower and Carson who was almost asleep instantly sprung out of my arms and ran around yelling Daddy and pointing to the window.  He wanted to go help and be apart of what was going on.  His brown eyes just lit up.  I laughed and as usual responded by kissing him and telling him..."you are such a boy."

During Carson's pregnancy we found out his gender.   At the time of the ultrasound, we discovered he was a boy sooner than we were supposed to.  The tech was just sweeping over his little body checking everything out, but we unmistakably got our answer.  My life changed, right then and there.  From that point on I was the mom of a little boy.   My mission in life changed and all I could dream about was the many different things we would do together like racing cars around the house and playing in the mud. Not to mention that from then on I had and have the responsibility of raising a little boy to be a man of God and a good husband and father.  All those dreams of racing cars and playing in the mud together have come true and in ample amounts.  When Carson comes inside covered from head to toe in dirt, I smile.  It makes my heart happy knowing he was for a little while able to be the little caveman he so desires to be.

The differences between a boy and a girl became apparent much sooner than I thought was possible.  The moment he started really interacting with us, probably around 3 months, he started showing interest in tools and anything that Daddy did.  It became really important to me to protect the ability for him to be a boy.  Sometimes I hear gasps around me at the things I let him do, like jump off the couches at anxiety inducing heights.  As long as a few pillows are underneath him, I have no worries and I let him go for it.  I also let him use real tools alongside daddy during projects.  Once again I hear gasps as he tries to hammer a nail into a board.  Instead of overreacting and stopping him, I stand back and watch him.  He's not hammering like a crazy man, he his slowly and methodically trying to get that nail into that board.  So I just wait and watch and give him time.  He was completely content to try over and over to get it to work like Daddy.  Finally, when he gave up I put the hammer and nails away, but during subsequent projects and with supervision, I have let him try again.   I don't have high expectations for him in regards to his manliness, I just want to support what is there, his own personal interests.  We call him our worker boy.  Anything he can physically do, he tries.

I don't think our society presently allows little boys to be boys.  It requires getting dirty and lots of attention and energy to makes sure they are safe.  It can be downright exhausting when he wants to go outside and play in the "wat" for what seems like the millionth time that day.  But it is worth it and I encourage you mothers of boys to really accept them for who they are.  Let them get dirty, get scraped knees, and run around like a wild child for a bit.   Focus their physical energy on activities they enjoy.   You will have a much happier and content child if you do.

I'm back!

Sorry for my absence. I was recently hacked. Some man in Indonesia was able to hack my email account and then change the password which locked me out of both my email and blogger account. It took me nearly a week to gain access again. Unfortunately right before my account was stolen I had changed my pay pal password. I change that one more regularly to be safe but it emailed my new password to me. So this guy was able to see that and gain complete access to our money. Thankfully he only made a few purchases and we have already been reimbursed for most of them. The odd and kind of idiotic thing was that Mr. Pratama (I hope you're reading this) was using my email address as his personal account with these transactions. Two of the purchases were for online hosting sites so Josh was able to log in and change those passwords so he can no longer have access. Ha! Because he used my email address we had his email address, IP address, and mailing address. We thought of sending him cookies laced with laxatives but then decided he probably wouldn't eat them anyway. I possibly could be opening myself up to more fraud by continuing to use this account but I just could not imagine starting from scratch. I might at some point, but not this week.