Saturday, August 28, 2010

Another Heartbreaking Loss

I'm sitting here still in absolute shock.  Probably a shell of who I normally am.  Today I am no longer pregnant, my womb is empty and I feel that in the deepest part of my soul.  It's still hard to process.   During our scare Wednesday, Josh and I were praying and asking others to pray for a miracle for this baby.  We really felt this baby was meant to be here and had no doubt that God would indeed answer our prayers.  Wednesday, when we saw the baby's heart beat and the bleeding and cramping stopped, we thought we had received our miracle.  What I was experiencing seemed like a very minor complication.  Thursday morning I started spotting again.  It was light but concerned me so I called my OB and was told that there really isn't anything to worry about and that I may continue to spot for a few more days but then it should stop and call if it didn't.  The baby looked great on the ultrasound, don't worry about the baby, the baby is fine I was told.  Yet Friday afternoon,without much warning, I was holding our baby in my hand.  Then the physical pain hit which seemed backwards.  That's another tortuous thing about miscarriage.  It HURTS.  To me each miscarriage has felt like the equivalent to going through transition and it's almost worse  because there is no joyous ending to look forward to.  Today I am left with confusion because despite the correct levels of hormones, a seemingly healthy child, and a minor complication that was behind us, my body decided to shed the lining of my uterus which inevitably included our child.  Our first miscarriage was easier in the sense that the baby failed to thrive and passed away causing the miscarriage.  With this one, the baby was fine, yet my body miscarried it anyway.  Today I am just angry.  I want to throw my self on the ground like a toddler screaming this isn't fair!  Of course thoughts have gone through my mind of was it something I did?  I woke up this morning convinced it was the trans vaginal ultrasound because after the tech rammed my cervix with the equipment to get a good shot and not just once, I had a different form of cramping start which finally escalated on Friday.  But many pregnancies have survived such a thing and it probably just exacerbated what was already going on.  It's still hard not to wonder though.

Although I'm in shock and confused, I do have peace.  Carson had prophesied this baby.  Many times he lifted up my shirt, placed his chubby hand on my belly and said "baby."   That's why I took a test in the first place and was shocked to find it was positive.  Then when we went up front after church to ask for prayer and blessings for the pregnancy, the woman praying for me told me that she had absolute peace about this child and really felt it would be just fine.  I guess by God's standards this baby is just fine.  It's now in the perfect location, Heaven.  It's hard to be upset about that.

Josh was given great peace too and that has been really comforting.  His positiveness, yet perfect sympathy has been a great comfort.  We're being open about the fact that I need to grieve.  I'm a bottler.  It took me a year to cry about my Uncle's death and it's probably no coincidence that I started having panic attacks during that same time.  I'm going to let it hurt this time so that I can fully heal.   Carson has been a great comfort as well.  Knowing that I have a precious little child here with me makes this second miscarriage much easier to bear.  I'm hoping that eventually I'll have more babies here than in Heaven though.

Since having Carson, my hormone levels have gotten worse.  I even struggled with low estrogen which was very strange for me.  There are a lot of mysteries to figure out as far as my health is concerned and some we may never get figured out. It also seems to be centered around my very low temperature average of 95.9.  Supposedly, I can't even get pregnant with that low of a temp but we have been blessed with three pregnancies so we know that's not an issue.  Josh and I decided not to try again until I have a healthy temp of 98.6.  There will be some major life style changes going on to try and accomplish that including regular exercise (which will also be a great way to channel my present anger) and I am going to continue on with the massive diet change I made when I first found out I was pregnant. Plus I'll be going back to my naturopath to delve deeper into some possible hidden health concerns.  I was really excited to start posting topics about my journey with this pregnancy...choosing a new OB or midwife, birth plans, nutrition, interventions...etc.  Now I'm going to be posting about my journey to health and then hopefully about a successful pregnancy.  I would love it if my journey also helped to heal and inspire others.  

1 comment:

  1. I love you, Carrie. I'm so sorry that this heart aches for you...with you... Thank you for being such a wonderfully strong example as you've walked through these valleys. <3