Friday, September 24, 2010

Mad at Life

I know I shouldn't be.  For some reason as more time goes by, the angrier I become.  The recovery from my first miscarriage was much healthier emotionally.  But then I didn't know what I was missing yet. I hadn't experience a pregnancy or a brand new baby.  Now I have a wonderful child so I feel the sting of this loss.  My arms still ache.  Then the question, why save Carson and not my other babies Lord?  I have no doubt Carson was meant to be here.  God had placed his hand on my little guy and protected him through my severe first trimester dehydration.  I remember my emergency room visit while pregnant with him.  I wasn't even worried.  As all of the IV attempts failed, it didn't bother me.  Even when they had to use some special tool that looked like it was from another planet to get an IV started, I still wasn't afraid.  Then the doctor came in and told me to never get that dehydrated again...ever...not only was it dangerous for me but deadly for baby.   Still no fear.  I had gone two days and was close to the dawn of my third without eating or drinking!  Then there came Carson's birth.  No question he's our miracle.  After seeing a picture of his face submerged in a puddle of amniotic fluid and not for a short time, I cried and thanked the Lord that after being drowned after birth, not to mention the complications he went through, he was still strong and healthy.  He puked up more water than the NICU nurses had ever seen.  Josh said it looked like the exorcist and was grateful I wasn't there to witness it.  He's our miracle.  So then I question, is he our only miracle?  Did God know I would have these struggles so He intervened and helped me out so I wouldn't completely despair?

I was 18 when I was told that the cause of the pain that sends me to the floor in sobbing tears was endometriosis.  Josh and I were already engaged.  I sat him down and told him it was a possibility I could never have children.  Do you still want to marry me?  His answer was of course he would love me no matter what happened...children or not.  I was married at 19 and my specialist told me to start trying immediately.   Did we listen?  Nope.  We were too young.  Plus we felt invincible...duh, I was still a teenager.  I had God on my side.  We could wait and everything would be fine.  But as time had gone on, my hormones had gotten more and more out of control.  Things that I thought were normal, after talking to girlfriends, I found out were  very far from normal. I went in and estradiol was my only option, at least through my OB.  Or you know, I could go on birth control.  I asked my doc, "isn't this caused by excess estrogen?"  His response "yes, it will treat the symptoms, but you're right it could lead to an early hysterectomy."  No thank you...I sought out alternatives.  I found Coleen Smith, an acupuncturist.  My God send.  A christian woman with a love for women's health.  Finally someone listened!  Plus, she had answers.  I saw results.  But then I got lazy.  I took my health for granted and let things slide because it was my "natural" birth control.   We were using my infertility as a way to avoid pregnancy.  I figured we could go in and fix it when we were ready and then we'd have babies.   Now I realize how off this logic was.  I should have put my health #1, not our lifestyle.  Hindsight is 20/20.  Now I'm playing catchup.  You think I would have learned this lesson the first time.  Yet, after massive weight loss following Carson's birth along with other unhealthy symptoms, I waited.  I let life take body wasn't ready yet.  So much is learned the hard way!  Yet, that is how we learn best, well, at least that's how I learn best.

This last week I have shirked my diet.  I've been wallowing. I have been overtaken with self-pity.  No matter how hard I try to think of others who have it so much worse, it doesn't help.  That tactic has always put things into perspective for me.  Not this time, it's not taking away the frustration.  I think to myself, at least I have never experienced a stillborn, that would be unbearable, yet my arms still don't stop aching.  These emotions come and go.   I'm not always this emotional and I should probably step away from the keyboard right now.  I'm being open and honest here.  I'm mad at life, mad at my reproductive organs, and really pissed at Adam and Eve. 

I was watching a Duggar's interview one time and they were asked, why so many kids?  Mrs. Duggar answered that they, like everyone else, had a plan.  They were to have two children and fit into the American Dream.   Then they miscarried with their second baby.  It changed their perspective.  They realized how precious life was and it wasn't their place to prevent it from happening.  They put the number of their children in God's hands.  It is sad sometimes that it takes a loss to fully appreciate what we have.  It took my cousin's death and him leaving his young daughter and pregnant wife behind to turn my marriage around.  Maybe his death even saved it.  Who knows.   I know with Carson I breathed that new baby scent deeper into my lungs because I knew what I had lost with our first.  As Josh has said, I will always see Carson as our second.  So will I.  Our next baby will be our fourth.  Thankfully we have hope.  Hope that we get to meet all of our children someday.  We will get to join them and the other loved ones we've lost.  I picture Josh's Grandma Betty playing with our little ones up there.  Supposedly she was a phenomenal Grandma.  Maybe my Aunt Ellen is spoiling a little girl?  I'm sure we've had at least one girl by now...


  1. I love you, Carrie...praying for you and grieving with you.

  2. Oh honey! You've gotta give yourself time to grieve and heal! It is okay to feel angry, and hopeless, and frustrated and bewildered. It's part of the process. As much as it sucks, you HAVE to feel all of that to get through it. Run to God girl- he lost a Son too. He will wrap you up in His arms but it will take a while to feel it. I'm praying for you lady and sending you my love!

  3. Hang in there Carrie! Thank you for sharing all your feelings with us. God definitely did give you a miracle and blessing with Carson! But I also believe that with all the love you and Josh have to give, there is another baby destined in your future. Just don't give up! Love you!