Monday, June 14, 2010
Because of the fact that I am starting an antiviral treatment in less than 2 weeks, I have that short amount of time to wean Carson. It has been bittersweet. He's the type of child who could nurse until well after 2 years of age so I feel bad that I am having to take action to wean him so "early." I had always wanted him to self-wean when he was ready (with limits, I wouldn't go as far as nursing a kindergartner). The daytime weaning has been fairly easy. He is such an active little boy that holding nursing off and using distraction has worked really well and he actually seemed ready for that. Nighttime is a whole different story. He will fall asleep with a bottle now but the 5am nursing has been the most difficult. That one we are taking slowly. He has been doing well with nursing for a short time and then taking a binky. But as things tend to go, you take one step forward and two steps back. This morning he started nursing and with vigor so I waited a little longer and then asked Josh to go get a bottle of almond milk. Josh came back with the bottle and I broke Carson's latch and the rest was heart break. He quietly yelled "don't" and then "owie" over and over. Carson says owie when his heart hurts, not just when he gets a boo boo. It's his way of communicating with us and I appreciate knowing how he feels. It is tough to hear though and it makes me want to say, well maybe rest will be enough to kick this present Epstein-barr flare up. It's sad that he his having to grow up faster in this way because of my health. I feel bad that there has to be this issue, but I also know it needs to be done for me and for any future babies. I want to kick this infection before getting pregnant again. I'm sure Carson will survive this time just fine. That's sensible logic talking but my mommy side is having a harder time. We are fortunate that he has gotten to nurse for 18 months and I've enjoyed the entire time. Maybe because we had to fight for the ability to nurse in the beginning. It took us a month to successfully breastfeed and there was a lot of effort involved, including sleepless nights of bottle feeding and then pumping. So when breastfeeding was finally established it felt like a gift and one I've appreciated very much. I'm grateful that I got to experience it and that I didn't give up when successful breastfeeding felt impossible. I'm also very grateful that Josh has been supportive of it from the very beginning. He was just as excited about our success as we were. He has also given me a lot of emotional support while my body continually changed through the process of pregnancy, postpartum, breastfeeding, and now weaning. I'm sad this chapter for Carson and I is coming to a close, but I love that we get to now move on to a new chapter. One filled with adventure and discovery.