Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Learning a new way

I've been waiting for the day when Carson is more independent, able to be comforted by others. Well the day is here and even though I'm happy to have a little more freedom, my heart hurts badly. This morning he left to run errands with Grandma. He was so excited, he ran out of the house without needing a hug or kiss. So I of course chased him down and gave him one. This is probably how it is going to be from now on and I'm mourning the loss of his babyness. He's also presently weaning and I know that has a lot to do with it. I tried weaning him awhile ago and he got so upset we put weaning on hold. Now, he's ready. He's barely made a wimper when I've told him all gone. I'm grateful for how smooth it is going because it was important to me to wait u till he was ready, but I miss our times in the evenings of cuddling on the couch, his toddler body squished in my lap while I play with his hair, rub his face and stare into his eyes. The whole time he smiles at me and continues to nurse. Those moments are now over and we have to find a different way to bond. It's now the big boy way of running around and playing cars together. Going outside and discovering different flowers. Helping me do chores around the house. We still cuddle at the end of the day to wind down but it's very different. His method of nurturing is no longer from my body. Even though one day we will have another child that I get to experience this bond with again, that child won't be Carson. Carson and I are entering into a new chapter with equal parts joy and sadness. Time is going by too fast. I have savored and will continue to savor every moment, yet it's not enough. Oh how I wish we could go back and start again. That's part of life though and I'm going to move forward the way Carson needs me to and I will continue to enjoy every moment of it.

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