Thursday, March 18, 2010

Waiting on the Lord

I've recently been listening a lot to a song called While I'm Waiting by John Waller. This song totally sums up my life right now. The beginning of this year my resolution was to give up control of my life to God. I've always been the one to take the lead and then I ask God to bless my path. God was really speaking to my heart and telling me that I needed to start doing things the other way around. It hasn't been easy for me because I'm not used to waiting on the Lord or anyone else for that matter. Some amazing things have happened since I've put God first in my life though. For starters, I heard His voice for the first time. Maybe because I was actually listening. I also now have to ask for direction because I really don't know what's ahead.

The hardest part about God's timing though is the waiting. Pretty much since Carson was born, I've had constant baby fever because I discovered how amazing children are. Josh and I had a plan of course, per usual, to wait until Carson was 12 months before trying again and since it was our plan, we would of course get pregnant that month or very soon after. Because of infertility problems, we got to really plan for Carson. I needed the help of our acupuncturist to set my hormones right before trying. So when we were ready I leveled all my wonderful hormones out and got pregnant with Carson during our first month of trying. After that experience, I had the frame of mind that our next child wouldn't be any different.

Once Carson turned a year, we decided to just see what happened in the hopes that it might actually take a few months to get pregnant since we weren't as ready as we thought we'd be. This was right before I told God I would let him lead. So here we are in the month of March and I'm panicking because "my" life plan is not happening. I always planned that my children would be perfectly 2 years apart. That would mean I had to get pregnant last month. I have peace about it, but some days I want to do things my way, but then I hear the Lord's voice say "no, it's not time yet, wait on me." I'm excited because God's ways are ALWAYS better than ours and sometimes I feel like a giddy little girl thinking oh my goodness, this is going to be so great, God has something in store for me! Other days I want to just tell God, okay I'm ready already! Hurry up, clocks ticking! I wish I had some scripture memorized to encourage me, but I'm working on that. One thing at a time. Right now I'm just trying to learn some patience.

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