Life with Carson is crazy beautiful! I could stare at my child all day long. He makes me laugh more than I ever thought possible and sometimes I feel like my chest can't contain my swelling heart from my love for him. But as of late I have been transformed as a parent. Lately, the emotion has been thankfulness and gratitude that he is in my life and God has blessed us with a healthy child. I have been reading a blog about two parent's journey of losing their little boy from a disease that was treatable and had the doctors not gotten caught up in pursuits of grandeur, he probably would have been saved. They were looking for a rare genetic or metabolic disorder and missed the easily diagnosable Lyme's Disease even though it was staring them in the face. So after a 5 1/2 month battle to save their little boy they eventually had to make the extremely difficult decision to take him off life support. His name was Noah Steven Graves and he has changed my life! The Graves' faith during the time of their son's illness has been truly inspirational. I have sat at the computer each evening for the last week or so reading their blog and just weeping with each post. Their faith never waivered and Noah's parents even had the strength to spiritually encourage others during that time! How crazy is that?! It made me feel so guilty about how I reacted to Carson's birth and hospital stay. People would say to me, well at least you have a healthy baby. I would smile and nod but really on the inside I was mad. I was mad about the fact that had the midwife done her job we wouldn't be at the hospital, but snuggling at home where we're supposed to be. I was mad because we had previously lost our first child during my eighth week of pregnancy. Even though Carson only stayed at the hospital for a week and came home completely healthy, our faith waivered and we certainly thought of no one else during that time and instead we should have been on our knees thanking God that Carson was still with us and not the preemie fighting for his life next to us in that hospital room. That despite the odds against him he was born "safely." It was a miracle that he did as well as he did and yet I was angry at God for allowing the situation to happen in the first place. Hadn't we suffered enough with the miscarriage? Yes, I needed to feel my anger to move on, but I shouldn't have been so closed off to God's part in everything.
The hardest part about reading Noah's blog is that with each downturn I read about, I have the biggest desire to get on my knees for him. I haven't been on my knees in front of the Lord in a long time and the fact that he is already with our Heavenly Father grieves me, but it has also allowed me to get on my knees for others and for my very own son. After the first night of reading the blog, I went in to where Carson was sleeping, snuggled up to him, and prayed over him and asked for forgiveness for not doing it sooner and more often. I should be doing that every night! I know that God used Noah's life to touch others but as I read the blog, I do struggle with a little anger towards God for allowing this family to suffer so much! It's hard enough losing your child but to something that was treatable! I just feel like it was cruel. But maybe that's why his story is so life changing. This blog has been an emotional journey, a very tough emotional journey, but one that has awakened me spiritually and I hope that doesn't fade. Each time I think of Noah, I want to go out and make a difference. I have a drive to do more and be more for God and to further His Kingdom. It has really put things into perspective. Noah's mother Adrienne eloquently wrote that if her son had survived he would not have touched so many lives. If God had healed him, people would have been in awe of the miracle but only for a short time. Eventually, people would have forgotten. As difficult as her words are they are very true, I will never forget Noah Steven Graves and I never even knew him. His death reminded me that this is not our true home.
If you can handle the emotion, I highly suggest reading Noah's blog: http://noahsteven.blogspot.com/