As I kissed Josh's Grandma Ella to sleep last night it reminded me of when I received my first Mother's Day card. I was pregnant with Carson at the time and still mourning the loss of our first pregnancy. Despite the fact that our dear Grandma Ella was in the throws of early dementia, she mailed me a Mother's Day card. I remember just weeping after opening the envelope. The fact that she was capable of mailing me anything was amazing. She lost two babies early on and earlier that year we shed tears of pain over breakfast as we mourned the loss of our unknown children. It touched me that she thought about me on that Mother's Day, one she knew I would need support for. She was the only one who sent me a card that year. I still take that card out and look at it once in a while. To me, that card is a reminder of how great a gift motherhood is. It is a road of pain, endurance, and great blessings.
When Josh and I were newly married we of course were constantly asked when we were going to start having children. Our answer was a few years from now. My response was "I want to be 23 first, that seems like a good age to have a baby, I want to be prepared." Their response was always, prepared? Ha, you can never be prepared. Josh and I just scoffed. We would be prepared! You wait and see. Well we did our best, we waited until I was 23 (that magical number I had in my head when I was no longer too young but young enough to have energy for the journey ahead) but they were right, we weren't prepared. Not for the emotional, financial, and physical challenges but most of all we were not prepared for the great love we would receive. I have never felt something so strong in my life. I spent the first few months craning my neck to stare at Carson. I couldn't believe that something so wonderful was possible!
I am still in awe that I am a mother. We were unsure if a successful pregnancy would ever be possible for me and after surviving his birth he is now our official miracle. Right after he was born, I held his little foot and immediately started praying as he was turning blue and then white, thinking I might loose him right there and then. According to the clock it didn't take him long to start taking in breaths, but to me it felt like an eternity. God was with us that day and I could feel his presence. That's also probably why to this day when I am snuggling my little blessing, I hold one of his feet in my hand and sometimes press it on my cheek after he falls asleep.
Now that Carson is getting older, although still very young, I am feeling even more blessed this Mother's Day. Probably because now he can reciprocate with hugs and kisses. Carson hugging me is one of the best feelings in the world. I have been known to squeal when he squeezes me with all his might! I don't think our lives could get any better.
Thank you Lord that I get to celebrate this Mother's Day as a momma of an amazing little boy that you gave to us. Thank you for giving me more joy than I can comprehend. Thank you for the blessing of being able to guide, love, comfort, and encourage our little one and thank you for the Mother who did the same for me. Plus a special thank you to a Grandmother who has been a maternal influence and that while still here, we deeply miss.
Happy Mother's Day to all you mamas and mamas to be! Love you all.