My Feminine Woes

Josh's cousin is getting married in a month and I was shopping for her bridal shower today.  I got her some stuff off her registry but also sneaked into Victoria's Secret.  I couldn't afford any of the nice stuff but was able to get something tiny that her husband-to-be should appreciate, of course after the wedding.  As I was looking around I noticed all their wonderful bras.  I forgot about these bras.  I forgot that at one time, I wore these amazing creations.  I got this overwhelming urge to wear a normal bra again.  I had total bra envy.  They looked so flattering, much more feminine than my nursing bras...and sexy.   My nursing bras win in comfort and obviously function, but they definitely lack that feminine factor.  (Even though breastfeeding is pretty darn feminine).  So I spotted a bra that I desperately wanted but remembered that there is no way I could get a regular bra right now even if I wanted to.  Picture a balloon floating away into the beautiful blue sky on a warm sunny day only to pop from the change in pressure and float back down to earth deflated.   That's how I felt.  Frustrated, I left the store.  I'm in nursing limbo right now.  Carson decided to wean himself from the right side and coupled with my weight loss, it's now smaller than when I was in high school, which is pretty small.  It's somewhat depressing.  Once lefty catches up, I'll be a cup smaller than when I was 15 years old.  Although I'll finally be able to wear a Victoria's Secret bra again and their push up bras look like they'd work miracles.  (I'm trying to think positive here).   I'm feeling bad for myself and my extreme lopsidedness (is that a word?).  Lefty is still a very efficient milk machine which makes quite a difference between the two.  It wasn't noticeable at first, but then the gap kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger.  Finally, Josh mentioned maybe I should get one of those insert thingies to stick in my bra to equal them out.  It's actually a good idea.  I'll probably be doing that and soon because my bra slides drastically sideways towards the left, which gets uncomfortable. And what size do I wear?  Presently I have to compromise for them both and wear a size in between which still leaves some muffin top on one side but reduces the massive amount of extra fabric on the other side that makes me look like a 12 year old trying to fit into a big girl bra.   I've heard it's common for them to shrink after breast feeding, but seriously two cups smaller!?  I'm missing those voluptuous bf'ing boobs!  (Yes, I just said boobs).  It's so unfair that for a length of time you're blessed with a figure and then just a year or so later they look like they've been deflated.  Thanks mother nature.   Never had them before and I got rather used to them!  Probably so did the hubs. Thankfully his love for me isn't based on physical appearance.   I'm actually looking forward to having another baby because then at least for a short time, I'll have them once again.  I love my stretch marks and the changes since having a child.  Probably sounds crazy, but it reminds me of the amazing feat my body accomplished.  I'm more confident now even with the "flaws"  then when I was younger and super fit.  My body served a purpose, how great is that!?  This is my only complaint.  For once in my life I was feeling womanly and feminine.  I was enjoying my 20s bombshell curves. Maybe I shouldn't haven't relished so much in the added padding.  I guess since I've been breast feeding for so long, I just got used to them and didn't think about the fact that they aren't permanent, despite watching other women go through the same woes.  You don't realize it will happen to you too and that you'll care when the time comes.  Oh well, they'll be back in the future, at least for a time.  Thankfully my happiness, confidence, and self-worth comes from other sources than my body image!